Does How You Dress Affect Your Ability To Connect With People?
In the past, I always felt that people should be dressed very similarly to the people they’re trying to connect with and reach. So, if you’re a missionary in Papua New Guinea, you dress exactly like the locals do there. If you live in (fill in the blank) city, you should generally dress just like the people in that city. So that meant that as a pastor, I should generally be dressed down. I brought that same kind of thinking when I came here to Pioneer Memorial church. Part of my role was going to be to help with evangelism and discipleship and to connect with students. A part of me was thinking that I’d be dressing fairly casual–like the students–for the sake of the missionary imperative.
A few weeks after getting here, though, I found out that PMC has a dress code. Because it’s associated with the university, they generally want their pastors to look quite professionaly, which includes wearing a tie. When I first heard this news I was initially really disappointed. After all, how would I then be able to connect with the students? But…you do what you have to do, right? I went with it. And to be totally honest, I felt like I was compromising my missional integrity a little bit in the process.
Here’s two lessons that I’ve learned in the past six months, though:
1. It’s not about being dressed exactly the same, but about being dressed in a way that people would expect you to dress. On campus all the leaders dress with a tie–many with a jacket and tie. When I connect with students or people in the community, then, they’re not thinking–”wait a second? Does this guy think he’s better than me? Dressing all up like that…forget him!!” I’m dressed just like any leader on campus. People don’t blink an eye. It’s normal. I was reminded of this principle in the biography of Hudson Taylor, the great missionary to China:
When the barber had done his best, the young missionary darkened his remaining hair to match the long braid which, at first, must do duty for his own. Then in the morning he put on as best he might the loose, unaccustomed garments, and appeared for the first time in the gown and satin shoes of the “Teacher,” or man of the scholarly class.
Everything opened up after that in a new way. On the return journey to Shanghai he was not even recognized as a foreigner, until he began to preach or distribute books and see patients. Then women and children came around much more freely, and the crowds were less noisy and excited. While missing some of the prestige attaching to Europeans, he found it more than made up for by the freedom his changed appearance gave him in moving among the people. Their homes were open to him as never before, and it was possible to get opportunities for quiet intercourse with those who seemed interested. -Location 640 on Kindle
In this story, Hudson Taylor took on the dress of a “teacher” in that culture. He wasn’t dressed exactly like everyone else, but dressed in a way befitting his profession.
Does it mean that it’s bad if someone is dressed down mostly? Not necessarily. I think it depends on the context. But if people are expecting a pastor or leader to dress in a certain way and they never see that, I think it could be hurting the influence potential of the leader. I know I’ve never been surprised to see a doctor wearing a white lab coat when I’m his patient.
2. People don’t care how you dress if you show that you love them and want to help them. I do take comfort in this. Even though I’m not dressed like a student, I don’t think that they ultimately care. They know I’m not a student. I’m not exactly one of them. But they know that I’m here to help. And that takes away most barriers that could have been there.
These kinds of issues fascinate me. I don’t think it’s an exact science, but I think the answer to the above titled question is “yes.” How we dress does affect our ability to connect with people. It’s something that we have to be mindful of and could affect our interactions with people–whether we’re dressing up or down.
By the way, here’s a very similar post I wrote back in the day regarding how pastor’s should dress while preaching: To Suit Or Not to Suit.
So what about you? What do you think? What have you learned in your context related to dress?
[image by lintmachine]
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Brother spot on. I think you articulated it very well many don’t understand that it isn’t about them but about the audience you are trying to reach. Thank you for this article. God bless you amigo.
While I don’t think we should go overboard with formal dress at all and be really out of place (or vice versa), I think your second point hits the nail on the head. It’s all about loving people. First impressions can sometimes affect whether a person will give us an audience, but if we are persistent and loving enough in our pursuit, in the end, it won’t matter what we’re wearing or not wearing.
True. By the way, didn’t you use to have a different blog? What’s the deal with bangor daily news?
Still do: newenglandpastor.blogspot.com. I also am writing this one for our city’s newspaper so I decided to link to that one instead!
Ahh, got it…
I hate very few things about professional ministry, but at the top of that short list is
>> getting dressed.
It’s the most confusing, frustrating, and sensitive issue that I have to deal with. I haven’t found anyone willing to join me, but I’m close to just ordering myself a clerical robe!
Seriously, though, I’m glad you’ve found something that works for you
Well, I never said I liked to get dressed up! haha…trust me…I hate hate hate wearing ties. But in this context, up here, it seems to be what’s warranted.
enjoyed the post! i’m thinking context is the key here, and also point #2, people don’t care how we’re dressed, and then i’ll add a new one, cleanliness of appearance.
so far, every district i’ve had has been largley made up of blue collars. and so i dress like them. when i visit with them at their home, i don’t have to worry about getting my clothes dirty or sweaty or whatever, i can just hang with them, and i’ve gotten compliments that they feel i’m one of them.
i’ve also gotten advice from members who have ideas about how pastors “should” dress. honestly i just ignore their advice.
so far i’ve only had one professional church member. he was vp of the hospital and he made a comment the first time i visited him in his office about wishing he could come to work in jeans & t-shirt, but subtely he also mentioned something about dressing professionally, so i got the hint and every time i visited him i’d dress up. so its all about context for me.
i personally don’t care how people are dressed, as long as they look clean, i.e., they’ve brushed their teeth, washed their face, combed their hair, no b.o., are dressed appropriately (i.e., not wearing pajamas in public), don’t have holes in their clothing…funny, maybe i do care how people are dressed?
Yeah, context is key…and dressing in a way that people would expect you to dress.
With my culture there’s an expectation that the pastor will have to dress up. Most of the people who I know in youth ministry suggest that the jacket and tie create a barrier between you and young people. My experience has taught me different. When I teach I wear everything from a t-shirt to a suit. I don’t perceive my student to be less connected to me on the days I’m dressed up. When I preach I like to go comfortable but have grown accustomed to the suit. Its the expectation. I think staying somewhere in the middle is the best even if you have listen to the folks complain about you not wearing a tie.
Yeah, I guess it’s not always a science, huh?